I’ve made starts at this essay too many times. I think I do this when I am sad.

The mass shooting in Vegas happened this past weekend.

How do I fight the nihilism that locks me up? That’s what it really is. Nihilism.

It’s so hard to try to live a meaningful life when you know there is no meaning. I think that’s a big problem that faces my generation. Maybe friends and family could bring back some meaning into my life.

I am not good at putting myself out there. This is probably my greatest character flaw. Call it neurodiversity or call it mild Aspergers or whatever the fuck you want. It’s something I struggle with.

I want to push the world forward in some way.

Why? I’d like the world to be a more fun and friendly place? Maybe?

I also just want to be happy. And getting attention of any sort brings me happiness. Okay no not any sort. Positive attention.

People are doing things with their lives. And I am just sort of floating. I have no meaningful job. I have no girlfriend. The only girls in my life are ones I have built friendships with over years, really. I’ve fallen in love with ✍{all of them}(Okay, that’s not really true. But some of them. It definitely reads nicer as “all”.). I don’t think I could ever tell them.`

Maybe it’s not so much that I’m afraid of rejection, but that I am afraid I am repulsive.

I am putting this out there into the ether because no one will ever see it. And if they do, I’ll appear to be just another self-hating loser on the internet. Which I guess I am. There are plenty of people I am sure who are just like me.